Part 2 of Gary Trotter And The Portal Of Pleasure, the saga of boy wizard Gary Trotter and his fellow pupils as they reach “that awkward age” at Swinemoles Academy, a boarding school for the supernaturally gifted. The seven instalments, which are absolutely nothing to do with any other stories about boy wizards, are best read in order. The Gary Trotter parodies are best read in order — Part 1 can be found HERE on Medium.
A few days after the evil enchantment that turned his wand into a tentpole had frightened Swinemoles academy pupil Gary Trotter, the boy wizard had grown accustomed to the affliction and was learning to enjoy it. So much so that even members of staff were starting to notice the evidence of his obsession with his member.
Mrs Vorbis the school housekeeper was so shocked she had to complain to the principal. “Bedsheets stuck fast together again this morning Professor. It just isn’t good enough, you know how much extra laundry that sort of thing causes. Everything has to be done by hand, you have to take care with Wizard’s jiz; can’t just go waving a wand.”
“Unfortunately that is what young Trotter has been doing since he fell victim to what I call the Medusa Syndrome. It’s a joke you know, a reference to Greek myth you know, Medusa was a woman so ugly that one glimpse of her face would trurn men to stone. Some people believe there is a kernel of truth in these ancient myths you know, the tory goes that a teacher supervising a party of boys on an educational trip to Paris took them as a treat to the Folies Bergere where naked dancing girls …” The glowering visage of Mrs. Vorbis reminded the Professor that while the cold stare of Mrs Vorbis had never turned any pupil or part of a pupil to stone, was was rumoured to have turned the bowels of a few to gravy.
The housekeeper was one of those humourless women who did not see the funny side of anything, especially if it concerned boy’s underwear or bedlinen, so Humblebore abandoned his plan to ease the tension with laughter.
“I can’t just go zapping semen, into another dimension you know, its not like seamen, that are always disappearing into the Bermuda triangle, but semen you have to be careful with. If I was to banish wizard seed into another dimension just like that we should have hidden forests full of pregnant nymphs and fairies.”
“Oh come now Mrs Vorbis,” Humblebore said without thinking.
“Come now? Young Trotter has been doing enough of that for the whole school, staff included I should say. It’s not just bedsheets you know, he broke two pairs of pajamas this week through bending down to take his socks off.”
“I must ask you to show a little tolerance Mrs Vorbis. Boys will be boys.”
“Not on my clean bed linen they won’t. That sort of thing needs to be trodden on before it gets out of hand. We shall have pregnant fairies turning up on the Oprah show the before we know where we are.”
Humblebore tried to recall if he had seen a pregnant fairy on the Oprah show but could not. Jerry Springer maybe, but that was America. “I shall see Trotter today before he shoots off to Futtox practice,” the Headmaster promised.
Professor Tourbus Humblebore adjusted his spectacles and looked in a stern but not unkind way at Garry. “Hmm. It seems young Trotter that you have reached a point…”
“That is SO UNFAIR! Nobody understands me, I get the blame for everything around here. You spread stories about me and make everybody hate me…”
“Trotter! That is quite enough, now as I was saying…”
“I don’t care what you were saying. I don’t want to listen to you, I didn’t ask to come to this stupid school. Witches and Wizards, that’s kids stuff.”
“As I was saying Garry, we feel you have reached the point at which you might welcome the privacy of a single room.” “What? Do you think I’m Billy No Mates saddo or something? Do you think I want to sit on my own studying every night? You don’t want me to have any friends, you are destroying my life.”
“Now listen Gary,” Humblebore said patiently, “we just want to do what is best for you. I have heard that certain things are happening that indicate you are ready for a more — er — grown up environment. At some time every young man’s body begins to change, certain things happen and he gets urges that may be quite upsetting.”
Garry blushed deeply. How had Humblebore known the embarrassing nature of his problem.
“I just want to stay in the dorm and be one of the chaps.”
“As you wish, but if you change your mind I’ll be happy to arrange a private room for you.”
As Gary left the Professor sighed. Things were going to get difficult.
A few days later Gary was alone in his private room. He lay naked on top of the bedcovers, head propped up with extra pillows so that he could look down at his body which had become a source of fascination. Gary was frightened and embarrassed at what was happening to him, but also excited. Something dark and powerful had entered his life and was working its enchantment on him. His magic wand, as the Swinemoles boys liked to call their todger, was getting longer and thicker, also there was a dark smudge of curly hair growing around its base.
As he looked at his magic wand it became suffused with cosmic energy again. Absent — mindedly he began to stroke it so that it would relax, as he did so his thoughts turned to Briony.
Suddenly the school swat had ceased to be just a girl, a good sport though far more sensible than was necessary and absolutely hopeless at the school sport Futtox. Since the spell had first manifested itself Garry had started to find her interesting in different ways. He no longer wanted to talk to her about spells and potions, if fact he could hardly talk to her at all, he just blushed and got an erection. But he had started to find her interesting in strange ways and strange places. Her legs and bottom were interesting and those lumpy bits that had appeared under her sweater, they were magic. Not in the wizarding sense of course, but magic all the same.
Don Beesley said they were just two bags of sweets that Briony did not want to share. Don could be childishly idiotic at times. Garry wondered what the things on Briony’s chest were and tried to think of a way h,e could cop a look.
IN THE NEXT THRILLING INSTALMENT GARRY PUTS HIS PLAN INTO ACTION AND HUMBLEBORE IS AFRAID THE BOY WIZARD IS BEING DESTROYED BY BUGGLE INFLUENCES.