A Career In Substance Abuse? Sounds Just The Job For Me.

Here in the Greenteeth Digital Publishing editorial office, younger member of the team, Cleo Hart, Sez Jez and NBB (non — binary boy) like to spend Wednesday morning flipping through the public sector recruitment ads that make up most of The Guardian’s Society supplement every Week. I don’t mind them spending time doing this as they don’t get paid for their involvement.

We live in the era of Nanny State of course, so there are always hundreds of ads for public sector worker despite the promises made by politicians of all parties to ‘slim down the state.’ But Nanny State is not quite human, she is more like a Queen Bee or Ant and just keeps getting bigger as her children feed her. There are different strata in any hive society, and in human society the people who work in the public sector are the drones. While the workers go out and produce the food to feed Nanny State, the drones fertilise her efforts to popular the world with her dependents. If Nanny State had her way the whole world would work in the public sector.

Their loyalty to Queen Nanny State beyond question, the dronce work tirelessly to make it happen, building their bureaucratoc empires, hiring more and more staff to fill vacancies created solely for the purpose of making the department head feel important. Many of these public sector jobs, mostly as support workers whose finction if it can be called that, is to protect dysfunctional people from their own dysfunction. The jobs often have bizarre titles and there have been reported cases of the successfull candidates having spent several years in the job without ever finding out what they are actually supposed to be doing.

Some of the jobs on offer by public authorities, (Quasi Autonomous non Governmental Organisations,) and charities that are funded by Nanny State and are really just a front , are hilarious and though the salaries are not great it’s easy to get the idea that not much work will be required from the successful applicant.

How is Domestic Violence Action Co-ordinator going to occupy their time? Co-ordinating domestic violence by scheduling the wife or child beating activities of thugs so as to spread the load on A & E departments and ambulance services? Or if some bastard is ill or just exhausted, perhaps these jobs involve arranging for someone else to go round and beat his wife up for him?

Jobs in Domestic Violence have come up a few times recently.

Another of the vacancies looked at by our unpaid staffers recently that has us all baffled is an advert for a Singing For The Brain Co-ordinator. WTF is singing for the brain. It is something to do with teaching lousy singers to not make any noise, just sing a song in their head. Or something more sinister perhaps, are the government encoding messages in the Fibbonaci series values of musical tones and employing pitch — perfect singers to brainwash us all?

Just as baffling is the requirement for a female prostitution action worker (they’re nearly all co-ordinators or action workers, sometimes even action co-ordinators. Anyway, a female prostitution action worker, isn’t that just a pretentious way so saying “prozzers wanted.” Maybe not because the job description said the job holder would be “researching and developing strategies for dealing with the causes of demand for prostitution. Well that should take about five minutes. Too many sex starved blokes, not enough prostitutes. Sorted, can I have my year’s salary please?

A team of black and ethnic minority compact officers is needed in London. To compact black and ethnic minority people like they compact household waste? Isn’t that a tad racist? If member of ethic minorities are not compact enough they should only accept work permit applications from pygmies and Japanese. No Sumo wrestlers though. So pygmies, selected Japanese, San bushmen from the Namib desert. And Eskimos maybe, they are quite compact. That should keep immigration down.

Lifeguards are no longer employed to protect careless or inexperienced swimmers on the beaches of Cardigan in Wales. Obviously not enough people needed their lived guarding because the entire team has been replaced by “wet leisure assistants,” and what they do is anybody’s guess, direct people to secluded coves where the kinkier tourists can play at golden showers on Cardigan’s golden beaches?

A step up the career ladder from golden showers facilitator, I mean ‘wet leisure assistant, was the job offered by one of the London boroughs which was looking for a ‘Happiness Advocate.” The necessary qualifications were somewhat vague, but I’m sure there were thousands of applicants, after all who wouldn’t advocate happiness as opposed to the alternatives. Wetr leisure assistants might make a few people who share a fetish for ‘water sports’ happy, but a happiness advocate can recommend happiness for everyone.

Another bizarre, WTF title belongs to a job a South London borough is recruiting for. Lean Practitioner. What is a lean practitioner? Do they train people lean forward or back or to either side while working. That sounds like some Hundu or Buddhist austerity. Can someone, with the help of a lean practitioner attain Nirvana by walking from John O’Groats to Land’s End leaning backwards at an angle of 22 degrees? Or do they encourage anorexia? Whatever it is, the job carries a salary of £45k a year.

Our favourite recruitment feature though was a full page dedicated to “careers in substance misuse.” That’s drug taking in plain English. It’s surprising how many jobs there are in substance abuse, and we didn’t see even one ad for a crack ‘ho. Drug action outreach workers are, at a guess, what we called pushers in my younger days, while addiction advisors are probably employed to offer guidance to those wishing to become addicted. “Go for heroin, that’s my advice,” they might say, “meth makes you teeth fall out,” or “if you’re serious about becoming an addict, go to an upmarket dealer who cuts coke with sugar or talc, some of the street dealers use rat poison

How do you get into a career in Substance Abuse? Well being called Amy Winehouse, Charlie Sheen, Pete Doherty, Keith Richards or Lindsay Lohan is a good start, but it’s a profession open to anyone regardless of their education level or social background. Just talk to that dodgy looking guy who hangs around the street corner every evening.

Because family health problems are still taking up a lot of my time this is an update of an old post from a few years back. However I still haven’t found out what a lean practicioner actually does.

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Opted for comfortable retirement before I was fifty due to health problems and burn out. Now spend my time writing and goofing around. Home: northern England..

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